TWNet

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse''s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse''s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse''s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She' s my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

Says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Son, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother. Then I said, "Here Honey, try these on."

So she did then he said, "Well sweetie they're a little too big. I can't wear them."

I replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

Hmmm," thought Jack. "That might be a good thing to try!"

On his honeymoon Jack took off his pants and said to Jill, "Here, Babe. Try these on."

So she did and said, "These are too large."

Jack said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will and don't ever forget that."

Then Jill took off her pants and handed them to Jack and said, "Here, you try on mine.

So he did and said, "I can't even get into your pants."

Jill said, "Exactly, and if you don't change your f***ing attitude, you never will!

A young boy just received his driving permit. He asks his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."

A month later, the boy comes back and asks his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

"You said it - Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish'".

A young Father has finally had enough of his son's wetting his pants, and takes him aside.

"Son", said the Father, "You are going to have to learn how to urinate properly, and no longer in your pants!"

The Father brings to boy back of the garage to show him the "proper" method.

"Okay, son, this is how it is done. One, unzip your fly. Two, take out your penis. Three, skin it back. Four, let go with the urine. Five, skin it up. Six, put it back in your pants. Seven, zip up your fly. Now you know the RIGHT way!"

The Father watches his son every day to see how well he is following his instructions. He notices the son going to the back of the garage about every few hours. He is very proud of his son, and decides to peek at him while he is "doing his thing" to see how well his instructions are being followed.

The next time the son heads for the garage, the Father follows. He peeks around the corner of the garage and hears his son: Three, Five, Three, Five, Three, Five..."

TECHNO PRISONERS
Two guys are playing golf -- a Japanese and American. The Japanese man, getting ready to tee off, begins talking into his thumb.

The American says, 'What are you doing?'

The Japanese man says: 'Oh, don't worry. With microtechnology, I have a microphone inserted in my thumb. I was just recording a message.'

The two men go on playing golf. All of a sudden, the American man makes a funny sound that sounds amazingly like a fart.

The Japanese man looks over at him.

'Oh,' says the American. 'Don't worry, I'm just receiving a fax.'

There are 3 hunters in the woods, they're all telling each other what they’re
going to shoot. The first one says he's going to get a buck. So he goes out and
comes back with a buck. Then the other 2 hunters ask how he did it and he says,
''I see tracks I follow tracks I get buck''. So the second hunter says "I'm
going to get a doe." So he goes out and comes back with a doe. Then the 3rd
hunter asks him how he did it. The 2nd hunter says, ''I see tracks I follow
tracks I get doe''. So the 3rd hunter says, ''I'm just going to shoot at
anything I see''. So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten
bruised bloody and totally trashed. And the other two hunters ask what happened
and he says, ''I see tracks I follow tracks, I get hit by train!''

Bitch Literal

Three guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives bitch at them. They decide that when they get home, they'll do everything that the women ask.

The next weekend, they are in the same bar.

The first guy says "Man, I don't think that our idea was so great! I was sitting on the couch watching TV and I dropped my cigarette on the couch. My wife said why don't you burn the whole house down? That place is still smoldering."

The second guy said "That ain't nothing. I was working on the car, and dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. She said why don't you tear the whole car apart? It took me all night."

The third guy said "You guys don't have nothing on me. When I walked in the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and I felt a little romantic. I reached down, and grabbed her crotch, she said "Cut that out!" He held out his hands. "Ever seen one of these real close?"

Just In Case

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

''Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated.''

''Great,'' says the man. ''But what's the gun for?''

''In case I fall down instead of the gorilla — shoot the dog.''

Husband and wife in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She: "Oh, that feels good."

His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."
But he stops.
She: "Why did you stop?"

He: "I found the remote.